A Heart like Yours

I want Your heart.

I am done seeking after selfish ambition.

I am done being selfish, even in the ways I serve You.

You are the only one I want to get lost thinking about. I want you to be my first thought when I wake up, and my last thought when I go to sleep. 

I want to crave you in every aspect of my life. I want to be all consumed by Your glory and Your majesty.

I want to be a light in the darkness, and not limit this to my own definition of what a light is “supposed” to do.

I am done with making You an equation that I need to solve, or put myself into. Instead I just want to live my life with reckless abandon for You.

You have made me ready, You have prepared my heart for these moments; I am ready and willing to serve, no matter what that looks like.

No Strings Attached

I want to love impartially.

I want to love those who are hard to love.

I want to love in a way that doesn’t glorify me, but points only to God.

I want to love people where they are.

I want to love the weak and the strong, the smart and the dumb, the loud and the quiet, the peacemaker and the trouble stirrer, my friends and my enemies, my family and strangers.

For so long my biggest struggle has been how I love people—how I need to be more God-centered and less me-centered.  I don’t want to ration out my love, and give it only to those who “deserve” it. I want to love how Christ loves me—with a pure heart.

I want to love with a love that does not come from myself.

I want to love with patience and kindness, humility and contentment, and with selfless ambition.

Simply put I want to love like Jesus, because that is the only type of love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. 

He must increase, but I must decrease—John 3:30 

You are More.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. - Psalm 40:2

Well, I officially have one week of school left and one week of my makeup "fast." Just a quick update on this part, it is going really well, and don't wake up wanting to put it on anymore, other than for the reason of enjoying doing it, I really don't miss it. But this is not what this blog is about. This is about how far God has taken me over the years.

Just last weekend, I was sitting in a car with a friend, just talking with her, about how anything is possible with God. His timing is not our timing, but His is perfect. Then I began to talk about my own struggles I used to have, that are just not a part of my life anymore. As I was talking I found myself overwhelmed, things that I forgot about, things I did not even realize I was free from. It is so beautiful to look back at your life, and realize how different you are, and to be thankful for those times.


Not only do I feel Free, I actually am a new person. I am not the girl I was in first year university. I am not the girl who constantly feels the need to fix things on her own, or who places her worth on silly things that are only for a moment. 


 God has changed my heart. He has made me new.


I am thankful for those hardships, tears, anger, and pain. 
I am thankful that they are over, but I am thankful that God can use those hardships as a testament of His grace and love in my life. During those times, I didn't think it was possible to not feel that way anymore. But now, I have a new joy and an unexplainable peace.


Dwelling on these words (From the Song, You are More by Tenth Avenue North)


You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been REMADE.


I know that I created problems, and made mistakes, but that is not who I am. I am more, because God broke me down and started me over from scratch, emptying me of me, and filling me with His Spirit. Changing my thoughts, actions, and goals. Helping me daily fight the battle of being Me-centered, to being God-centered. 




Truly beautiful. 

Not Your Typical Fast

He must increase, but I must decrease. : John 3:30

Not very good at keeping up with this whole blogging thing, but I thought this was something worth sharing. My friend Katie Draper and I are doing missions trips this year, and in preparation decided to do a fast, which at first I thought would be hard for me. (We were going to do the Daniel fast, that we learned about via the Dignams) However, after really thinking about it, this would not be a big sacrifice for me, basically the only change would be no meat, and no sugar. 

I stopped thinking about it until this morning, but I was actually quite content with the fact that it wouldn't be that difficult or challenging for me to do, but that defeats the purpose entirely. This morning, it just clicked,  and by no accident, I forgot my makeup bag in Jill's car last night. I was just about to get ready and didn't know what I was going to do. Then Lightbulb- something I thought I was over, was still a source of comfort and vice.

Makeup may seem like a strange thing to give up, especially for God. For me, however, this is something I have always used as a vice, or form of comfort when I wanted to blow off steam, I would either do my makeup, buy some more makeup, or let everyone know I was cranky by not wearing any. (I know---I am special, but the world needs all types of people)

I don't think that there is anything wrong with having makeup bring me joy, but nonetheless this will be a challenge for me, and the time spent on doing makeup will now be spent in prayer and studying my Bible.  I will definitely be out of my comfort zone, as I am the type of person, who even during exams puts makeup on because it is a stress reliever and something relaxing for me to do.

So what will this look like? Well from now until Good Friday, with the exception of April 9th (XCF prom), I will not be wearing any makeup that Jillian Gray wouldn't wear. So basically, natural skin except for light concealer. This will also be a good way to share about my trip, because people are consistently commenting on the way my makeup is done, and virtually all around me will notice. This is not being done to get attention for myself, but more to give attention to my creator, and to make Him known.

Thankfulness

Over and Over God shows me lessons I thought I already knew. Thankfulness. One of the first things our parents teach us is our manners, "please" and "thank you". But what does it really mean? What does it mean to be thankful. 

God has shown me that it is so much more than saying the words, you live thankfulness. God has made me thankful for growth. Thankful for my family, and strangely enough, thankful for my hardships, and most of all thankful for HIM.

Jesus literally paid it all--and I owe Him everything. 

Think back... remember something you did that was awful. 

Remember how bad you felt for doing it, how it ate you up inside. 

Now think, (I am a math student so I think in terms of math). 

Multiply that by every sin you commit every day. 

Now multiply that by every day you have lived and will live (hypothetically of course) now multiply that by every single person that has ever lived, is living, and will ever live.

 Can you get an answer, I can't. 

But think of how much shame that would be for one person to bear. 

That is what Jesus did! 

He bore all of the grief, all of the shame, all of the pain of the sin for everyone!

 It is paid, that means we need to break free of this guilt and shame, because it has already been taken care of, and shouldn't be allowed to hold us back any longer. 

We need to live like Christ, but when we mess up, instead of wallowing, and getting upset and letting it tear us down, take it to the one who has paid for it,  Who has set us free! He has paid the ransom, as only He could, He was perfect, and therefore was the only one who could fulfill the law. 

Most of all, when you mess up, be thankful! Be thankful for more chances, and forgiveness, be thankful for Christ's love. Be so thankful that it consumes your every being, and makes you strive to be more like Christ. 

That is what I am working on. Letting Christ change me, consume my heart and let His love abound. Being thankful, and showing His love to others, as He has shown it to me. 

No matter what I am going through, Jesus has felt it, and not only has he felt it, he has felt everyone's all at one. Such grief is unfathomable, but so incredibly amazing.

So all I have to say is Thank you God!

[The Righteousness of God Through Faith]
(Romans 3:21-31 ESV)
But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God's righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus. 
Then what becomes of our boasting? It is excluded. By what kind of law? By a law of works? No, but by the law of faith. For we hold that one is justified by faith apart from works of the law. Or is God the God of Jews only? Is he not the God of Gentiles also? Yes, of Gentiles also, since God is one—who will justify the circumcised by faith and the uncircumcised through faith. Do we then overthrow the law by this faith? By no means! On the contrary, we uphold the law. 

Lessons Learned

Soo… I have been trying to write a new blog for a long time, but my brain is a jumbled mess at the moment, it is hard for me to just write about one thing, so I will write about many things, and hope that you can follow. If anything, it will clear my mind and make it easier to write a new blog.

            It never fails that the hymns at church are one of the key things that make me ponder my relationship what Christ. “I Surrender All” is the current one at the moment. Not I surrender a little portion of my life, and control the rest, not even a large portion and I keep a small part for myself, All! The other song that has been going over and over in my head lately is “Trust and Obey”, which is actually one of my favorite songs from my childhood, followed by “He is Able”. So you are wondering… ok and what is her point? Basically I need to Trust and Obey, through surrender, and when I surrender all, God is able to do anything and will carry me through, it is just getting that to stick in my head, and push the lies out that is the problem—but my God can do anything.

Lesson 1: My feeble mind is so easily crippled by lies and insecurity causing me to fall to temptation, or put other aspects of my life ahead of my relationship with God. But what is the point of going to school and getting a job, if I am not doing it for God’s glory, it is completely in vain. But if I am doing it for God’s glory, that is a completely different thing. God is working on a full renovation of my life, He is not just redoing the floors, and then maybe paint, and then when I let Him he can get new furniture, he is breaking down the walls of my life, tearing it all down, and building and reframing it the way he wants my life to be. Following him. I was created BY him, FOR him, and it is time I embody that.

Lesson 2: I can’t do it alone. The biggest mistake I have made is trying to do things on my own. Mostly because of pride. I wanted to fix it, I wanted the credit for fixing it, and I didn’t want to tell others about my life. But there is a reason I am in such a community I am in right now, and although the movies watched together, games played, and songs sung are all great, and wonderful, a community without true communication is not much use. God has put many people in my life who are constantly pushing me to be the best me I can be, and that is only a person who is strong in Christ. I cannot tell you how blessed I am to have formed such great friendships. I have many new brothers and sisters, and parents if you count Joey and Courtney. But for real, I know they are here for me, and it has a purpose, and that purpose is to help each other bear burdens, to talk it out and pray together. They have already helped me overcome barriers I thought were just part of me.

And the final lesson for today is over about the past 6 months, I have been re-evaluating self-esteem.  One of the easiest tricks to fall under in the world, for real. I am not saying confidence is a bad thing, or that tearing yourself is a good thing, However, I had to ask myself: what makes me worthy, how can I be worthy, How can I fit in, etc etc etc. I can tell you it is not in what I do or don’t do, look like, how many friends I have or whatever else can help someone deem them worthy. MY ONLY worth is determined by my creator. I, Alyssa Krisstine Benson am worthy of nothing other than death, eternal death at that. BUT there is hope for me,Jesus, died and made me worthy, but without him I am nothing. I cannot be defined—or worth defining. Christ is the glue that keeps me together, and gives me reason to live, and the only way I can truly live.

In sum, God is changing me by changing the way I think. Any change is not me, it is all Him. It isn’t easy; I can be stubborn, and spiteful, and don’t make it easy for Him. But I know that it is for the best.

[I Am the True Vine]

            [15:1] “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. [2] Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. [3] Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. [4] Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. [5] I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. [6] If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. [7] If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. [8] By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. [9] As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.

(John 15:1-9 ESV)

Go Ahead, Look for Yourself

There is One way, One Truth, and One Life

Jesus, My Father, My King

He Never Fails Me

To me, He gave His Life, and for that

The least I can do is dedicate mine to Him

On this Journey of Seeking Him, I have discovered so many things in this "Religious" or "Spiritual" culture. That we will believe anything and everything that we are told, without even investigating for myself. Do I trust preachers? "Well you should Alyssa, they are men of God" Or are they?

Although I would love to believe that all of the "Men" out there that are promoting "God's" Word are doing it for Him. Sadly I don't believe this. They are MEN, and they are of the FLESH. Not all of them have their hearts right with God. It is possible to take one verse out of the Bible and do an entire sermon on it, but if you don't read the verses before and after you do not know if this was in proper context. Be cautious. Satan is always there, looking for an in, a way to lead you astray.

SO next time you are sitting at a church meeting or assembly, or someone says something with reference to the Bible. I challenge you to take it out and read for yourself. There is only way and it is through HIM.  God. Jesus. Holy Spirit. That is it. His Word is All.

Don't take in distortions, or here say.

Go out and read it.

There are so many people out there

who know that this is a spiritual generation

Who are looking for something to latch on to and believe.

But The Truth is all that matters,

The Bible is not a Fad, it will neverr Grow old

God will Never Grow Weary

He will never leave you or Forsake you

And He will strengthen you through all things.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand