A Heart like Yours

I want Your heart.

I am done seeking after selfish ambition.

I am done being selfish, even in the ways I serve You.

You are the only one I want to get lost thinking about. I want you to be my first thought when I wake up, and my last thought when I go to sleep. 

I want to crave you in every aspect of my life. I want to be all consumed by Your glory and Your majesty.

I want to be a light in the darkness, and not limit this to my own definition of what a light is “supposed” to do.

I am done with making You an equation that I need to solve, or put myself into. Instead I just want to live my life with reckless abandon for You.

You have made me ready, You have prepared my heart for these moments; I am ready and willing to serve, no matter what that looks like.

No Strings Attached

I want to love impartially.

I want to love those who are hard to love.

I want to love in a way that doesn’t glorify me, but points only to God.

I want to love people where they are.

I want to love the weak and the strong, the smart and the dumb, the loud and the quiet, the peacemaker and the trouble stirrer, my friends and my enemies, my family and strangers.

For so long my biggest struggle has been how I love people—how I need to be more God-centered and less me-centered.  I don’t want to ration out my love, and give it only to those who “deserve” it. I want to love how Christ loves me—with a pure heart.

I want to love with a love that does not come from myself.

I want to love with patience and kindness, humility and contentment, and with selfless ambition.

Simply put I want to love like Jesus, because that is the only type of love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. 

He must increase, but I must decrease—John 3:30 

You are More.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. - Psalm 40:2

Well, I officially have one week of school left and one week of my makeup "fast." Just a quick update on this part, it is going really well, and don't wake up wanting to put it on anymore, other than for the reason of enjoying doing it, I really don't miss it. But this is not what this blog is about. This is about how far God has taken me over the years.

Just last weekend, I was sitting in a car with a friend, just talking with her, about how anything is possible with God. His timing is not our timing, but His is perfect. Then I began to talk about my own struggles I used to have, that are just not a part of my life anymore. As I was talking I found myself overwhelmed, things that I forgot about, things I did not even realize I was free from. It is so beautiful to look back at your life, and realize how different you are, and to be thankful for those times.


Not only do I feel Free, I actually am a new person. I am not the girl I was in first year university. I am not the girl who constantly feels the need to fix things on her own, or who places her worth on silly things that are only for a moment. 


 God has changed my heart. He has made me new.


I am thankful for those hardships, tears, anger, and pain. 
I am thankful that they are over, but I am thankful that God can use those hardships as a testament of His grace and love in my life. During those times, I didn't think it was possible to not feel that way anymore. But now, I have a new joy and an unexplainable peace.


Dwelling on these words (From the Song, You are More by Tenth Avenue North)


You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been REMADE.


I know that I created problems, and made mistakes, but that is not who I am. I am more, because God broke me down and started me over from scratch, emptying me of me, and filling me with His Spirit. Changing my thoughts, actions, and goals. Helping me daily fight the battle of being Me-centered, to being God-centered. 




Truly beautiful. 

Not Your Typical Fast

He must increase, but I must decrease. : John 3:30

Not very good at keeping up with this whole blogging thing, but I thought this was something worth sharing. My friend Katie Draper and I are doing missions trips this year, and in preparation decided to do a fast, which at first I thought would be hard for me. (We were going to do the Daniel fast, that we learned about via the Dignams) However, after really thinking about it, this would not be a big sacrifice for me, basically the only change would be no meat, and no sugar. 

I stopped thinking about it until this morning, but I was actually quite content with the fact that it wouldn't be that difficult or challenging for me to do, but that defeats the purpose entirely. This morning, it just clicked,  and by no accident, I forgot my makeup bag in Jill's car last night. I was just about to get ready and didn't know what I was going to do. Then Lightbulb- something I thought I was over, was still a source of comfort and vice.

Makeup may seem like a strange thing to give up, especially for God. For me, however, this is something I have always used as a vice, or form of comfort when I wanted to blow off steam, I would either do my makeup, buy some more makeup, or let everyone know I was cranky by not wearing any. (I know---I am special, but the world needs all types of people)

I don't think that there is anything wrong with having makeup bring me joy, but nonetheless this will be a challenge for me, and the time spent on doing makeup will now be spent in prayer and studying my Bible.  I will definitely be out of my comfort zone, as I am the type of person, who even during exams puts makeup on because it is a stress reliever and something relaxing for me to do.

So what will this look like? Well from now until Good Friday, with the exception of April 9th (XCF prom), I will not be wearing any makeup that Jillian Gray wouldn't wear. So basically, natural skin except for light concealer. This will also be a good way to share about my trip, because people are consistently commenting on the way my makeup is done, and virtually all around me will notice. This is not being done to get attention for myself, but more to give attention to my creator, and to make Him known.